


Happier

by epsi_pepsi



Category: 18th Century CE RPF, Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: M/M, This is kinda angsty, and a lil gay, hoo boi, mentions of alcohol and violence, some vague internalized homophobia, vague suicide references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-10-07 09:53:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10357725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epsi_pepsi/pseuds/epsi_pepsi
Summary: An empty bottle in his hands, he stood off to the side, watching the happy couple dance in the middle of the room. Somehow the celebratory atmosphere didn’t overtake him like it did with everyone else.“This reminds me off all the good times I’ve shared with my Adrienne.” Laurens turned to see that Lafayette had joined him without noticing. “I should write to her again soon.” There was a small smile on the marquis’ face while watching the newly-weds. All this smiling made him feel sick.





	

**Author's Note:**

> hello hello hello!!  
> welcome to The Angst Cave! i always make my lams/laflams very angsty and i apologize. tho im not v sorry. but anyway this is inspired by one of ed sheeran's new songs happier. and if u know that song at all, u know its not v happy. give it a listen maybe if u want to before or while reading this, its great and i love ed sheeran. hope u enjoy!!  
> also!! pls heed the tags, there's references to alcohol, violence, internalized homophobia and suicide/death. pls pls be careful and if u think this might trigger u, i'd advise u stay away.

An empty bottle in his hands, he stood off to the side, watching the happy couple dance in the middle of the room. Somehow the celebratory atmosphere didn’t overtake him like it did with everyone else.

 

“This reminds me off all the good times I’ve shared with my Adrienne.” Laurens turned to see that Lafayette had joined him without noticing. “I should write to her again soon.” There was a small smile on the marquis’ face while watching the newly-weds. All this smiling made him feel sick. 

 

“I’m going to take a breath outside.” Laurens said and passed his bottle to Lafayette. Then he quickly pressed through the crowd to the nearest door leading outside, ignoring Lafayette yelling after him.

 

The cold air that hit him felt good, better than the stuffy air inside anyway. It didn’t snow yet, but Laurens could see his breath hang in the air and he pulled his jacket tighter around him. He walked until he found a bench, but the stone was too cold to sit on so he stayed standing. 

 

After standing there for a while, he heard footsteps approaching on the grass. He didn’t want anyone to come and get him inside again but he also didn’t feel like retreating further into the garden so he just stayed put. Eventually, he felt a warm hand on his arm.

 

“John, why are you outside? It’s freezing.” A familiar voice asked and Laurens closed his eyes for a while, wishing Hamilton to just disappear. 

 

“Shouldn’t you be inside with your wife, Alexander?” Laurens had wanted to sound sour, but instead he just sounded tired, without bite.

 

“John, you’re acting weird. Is everything alright?” Alexander was standing to face him, but Laurens kept looking off into the darkness of the gardens. Soon Alexander would call this mansion is home. Laurens could already picture his children running around, laughing in the mild spring air.

 

“Go back inside, you wife must be searching for you. If not her, then her sisters wanting to dance with you.” Laurens wished he had taken another bottle of ale with him, just so that he could take a drink now to help lift the heavy silence. Hamilton wasn’t responding and instead turned to look into the same direction as Laurens. Their hands brushed and if Laurens was more of a man, he wouldn’t feel the desire to hold Alexander’s hand.

 

“Are you jealous?” Hamilton asked into the silence. Laurens stiffened, afraid of being found out. He had vowed that he did not feel a speck of pain or regret when Alexander told him that he had found a suitable wife in Eliza Schuyler and that they would have to stop their liaison. 

 

“I could introduce you to some good girls, John, we could find you a good wife. Someday you’ll find somebody you want to spend your whole life with.”  _ I already have. _

 

“No, Alexander, I don’t-”

 

“It would be no bother to me, you have been the greatest friend to me and-”

 

“Alexander, it’s really not-”

 

“John-”

 

“I’m already married.”

 

This made Hamilton stop. Laurens turned and stared into the other’s wide eyes. Their breath was mingling in the cold air around them, the little clouds of fog disappearing slowly. Everything was still for a moment, the distant music only white noise in the back of their minds.

 

“What?” Laurens knew that every time they had laid together, every time they had shared the same cot, had whispered into the dark of the room was flashing before Alexander’s eyes just as had been happening to Laurens since he had announced his engagement.

 

“John, I- I never knew, John, why-” Laurens barked out a laugh and finally broke eye contact.

 

“I don’t love her, Alexander. She was a mistake and so is our daughter. I married her because I had to, not because I wanted to. I came to fight in this war, partly in the hopes that I would fall and she would have at least some kind of a good husband. One who died in service to his country.” Laurens balled his fists, he wanted to get away and let his anger out somewhere else because Alexander did not deserve it for falling in love with somebody else. Suddenly, Alexander’s hand grabbed his arm.

 

“You can divorce her, John, send her some money for the child. Then find yourself a wife whom you truly love-”

 

“I only truly love you, Alexander.” Laurens interrupted the other and shrugged his hand off. “I don’t want anyone else.” This struck a nerve, Laurens knew, because Hamilton’s gaze dropped to the ground and his shoulders sagged. 

 

“John…”

 

And because Laurens was a coward, a sinful man who could not keep his feelings to himself and instead had to drag a fine man into hell with him, he grabbed Hamilton’s face and kissed him. He tried to put all his pain and despair and hurt into it, but Hamilton wasn’t responding. So instead, after a few seconds, Laurens pulled away and let go off his friend. They looked at each other for a while, letting what had happened settle between them. Laurens felt horrible for not being able to control his emotions, instead letting them run wild and lead him into this dilemma. Hamilton stood there, emotionless and, for once, completely silent.

 

“I should go.” He whispered and started to back away, not sure if he wanted Hamilton to reach out to him or to just let him go. And without ever finding out what Hamilton wanted to do, he turned and walked towards the house. Only once he turned back around, a mere feet away from Hamilton.

 

“Oh, and Alexander, I am jealous. Not of you, but her.” His voice was quiet, but the other must have heard it because he looked down again, not able to meet Laurens’ eyes. Hamilton didn’t try to follow him nor call out his name but he did meet Angelica Schuyler standing by the still open door leading to the festivities. She was looking at him with wide eyes, opening her mouth several times but no sound came out.

 

Instead of being hung up on her, Laurens moved past Angelica and walked through the main room, trying to avoid anyone who might stop him on his hasty leave. He saw Lafayette still standing where he had left him, looking around the room. Mulligan was standing by some ladies, making several of them laugh. Before finally leaving, he saw Alexander entering with Angelica on his arm, in deep conversation. Hamilton and his eyes met for a brief second, before they both looked at Eliza walking towards her husband and sister with a smile on her face, unknowing about what had happened outside her childhood home.

 

Laurens left without looking back or saying goodbye. He entered one of the carriages standing outside the mansion and ordered the driver to drive him to the nearest tavern. The horses pulled him further and further away from the house and Laurens settled into the seat. He wished that maybe Angelica would tell her father what she had seen, if she had seen anything, and that in the morning, watchmen would barge into his room to escort him to his hanging. 

  
But for now, he would enter the tavern and order some ale and drink into the early morning. He was also willing to start a fight, just to let his aggression out. The alcohol would help him feel better and forget about what had aspired mere minutes ago. So, just for the moment, he stopped looking out of the window and stared straight ahead, ignoring that in a few days time, he would have to face Alexander again, pretending like everything was alright.

**Author's Note:**

> hoo boi that sure was something
> 
> make sure to follow me on tumblr @ petit-hammie, on instagram and twitter @ petit_hammie and i also made a youtube channel @ petit-hammie as well!!! ily and have a great day <33


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